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Thread: What Tiger Woods Wanted to Say at His Press Conference

      
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    Default What Tiger Woods Wanted to Say at His Press Conference

    Let me just say to all my fans that I feel sorry for everyone who criticized me for my extra-marital affairs. You must live a miserable existence if you have nothing better to do than read about my personal life in the tabloids. But I suppose I should provide an explanation about my behavior so that you will continue to buy the products I endorse.

    So here goes. I am an average looking man of mixed racial descent. Like most men, I had trouble getting ***** before I became a famous multimillionaire. I did okay at Stanford because I was on the golf team, but the women there graded out with a “B” because they were leftovers that players on the football team didn’t want. Before that, I got nothing because I have a bland personality and big lips.

    Then, I win a few golf tournaments and women are lining up at my door. Of course, I took advantage of my opportunities. These were women who wouldn’t give me the time of day if I sold insurance or worked on a used car lot. They wanted me so they could brag to their friends about having sex with a celebrity, while holding the belief that one day they would live a life of luxury as the wife of Tiger Woods. When that didn’t happen, they seized on an opportunity to sell their story to the tabloids, all the while looking the part of a woman scorned.

    Now I want to discuss my wife. When I met Elin, she was just like the others, except she played the “hard-to-get” strategy that women often use to corral men. It worked. She had all the qualities I wanted in a woman: pretty face, nice tits, nice ***, and an inviting personality. We dated for a while, had wild sex, and we genuinely enjoyed other’s company. When I asked her to marry me, she accepted. Why wouldn't she? Only an idiot would say no to a lavish lifestyle that most people only dream about.

    Our marriage was okay. We have two wonderful children and Elin is a good mother. But since she had those kids, she’s become a *****, and doesn’t want to have sex very often. And, she won’t accompany me on road trips, except to the major championships. Unfortunately, my job requires that I travel to a different city every week where women nod approvingly at me where ever I go. Do you see the problem here?

    To all the men out there: What would you have done in my shoes? Would you have said no to all the women who lined up to meet you, especially after listening to your wife ***** at you over the telephone for not spending enough time at home with her and the kids? And to all the women: How many of you would have turned down an opportunity to spend a night with me, knowing that you could sell your story to a tabloid for 500K?

    I feel bad about the potential damage my actions might cause my kids. As for Elin, I can think of at least 300 million reasons why she will be okay if we divorce and she is forced to survive on her own. And don’t forget that vast support network she will have after appearing on Oprah and The View.

    As for me, I have paid dearly for my transgressions. I have lost millions and might lose custody of my children. Almost everyone who sees me takes great pleasure seeing me in pain.

    The letters "Saint" or " St. " do not precede my name. You're telling me it's O.K. to screw everything in sight and be president like Bill Clinton did, but you can't be a pro-golfer?

    Did I become famous for being a model married man, or was it because I'm the best **** golfer in the world?

    Now here I stand, while you sit there anxiously waiting to hear my heartfelt apology, when all I really want to tell you is “**** Off!”

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    JPPT1974's Avatar
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    Default Re: What Tiger Woods Wanted to Say at His Press Conference

    To me that apology seemed fake. As it didn't seem sincere. It was like he was forced to make it. Really it didn't sound sincere at all. Don't know about you all but it came off as phony and fake.
    November is Here!

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