The International Council of Laws Governing Acceptable Male Behavior


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry only under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking his boss's Porsche. (d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever -- unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complaints about the temperature are acceptable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional, and may only be done so at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), then she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless waitress and is free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Never fight naked. Unless it's with a woman and is physical.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem; you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports-watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot and suggestively-dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza -- but not both, that's just plain greedy.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: It is the morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have had carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shalt never buy a car in the color of brown, pink, lime green, orange, sky blue or purple.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox360. End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say,'are you still cleaning or are you about to fly somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and then slapping your wife squarely on the *** and saying, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope I have been able to shed some light on these issues, and that they are clear to you now